Ashley Floyd, LMFT
Sex therapists, couples therapists, and your friendly neighborhood blog writers all tout the same advice when it comes to improving your sex life. Just figure out what you like!
The advice is well intentioned – if you know what you like, you can more easily communicate that to a partner (see the post How to Talk About S-E-X for more on this!) and you can engage in those things more frequently during solo play – but it is also deceptively simple.
If you don’t know what you like, how do you find out? Pleasure exploration is a wonderful place to start.
What is Pleasure?
As human beings, we experience pleasure on a physical as well as a psychological level. The word pleasure, as I am using it, means anything that feels good. That can include genital stimulation or orgasm, but it can also be anything that evokes a pleasant emotional state (e.g. joyful, relaxed, blissful).
When you are tuned in to what makes you feel emotional or psychological pleasure, any accompanying sexual pleasure becomes that much more enjoyable. So how do we explore what brings us pleasure – both physical and otherwise?
What is Pleasure Exploration?
In this article, "pleasure exploration" is an activity that you can engage in to figure out what sorts of things bring you pleasure. It involves setting the intention to explore what brings you pleasure and playing around with varying sensations to learn how you react to them.
Pleasure exploration is for anyone, of any gender or sexuality, looking to understand more about what brings them pleasure. Before engaging in this activity, however, there are important considerations to be aware of.
Considerations in Exploring What Brings You Pleasure
Consider any physical sensations or emotional states that may feel triggering for you. Decide if you want to avoid these things, approach them with caution, or something else. Communicate this to a partner if necessary. Go at a pace that feels comfortable for you; there is no advantage to trying all of these things at once.
Consider exploring solo or with a trusted partner. Exploring solo gives you full control of the experience and may feel easier than exploring within the presence of another person, while exploring with a trusted partner can provide a comforting presence should you want/need someone there for support. There are also differences in sensations when you are creating the sensation yourself versus when someone else is creating that sensation for you.
Lastly, always make sure you are considering safety when exploring. For example, make sure you are using a body-safe candle if exploring temperature or make sure you are not cutting off circulation if exploring pressure.
There is not one right way to explore what evokes pleasure for you, and considering these factors beforehand will serve to make this activity that much more pleasurable.
Pleasure Exploration: The Activity
One more base to cover before we talk about how to actually do this activity, and that is the importance of allowing yourself to experience the different sensations and simply notice whether they evoke pleasurable feelings. The purpose of the activity is not to have a mind-blowing sexual experience, but rather to explore what elements you may (or may not) want to include in future mind-blowing sexual experiences.
Remember, the pleasure you feel may not be physical – it may be emotional or psychological. You may feel pleasurable emotions or mental states (e.g., joyful, relaxed, meditative, silly, strong, clear-minded, blissful, or elated) that you’d like to incorporate into future sexual experiences. You may even find that sensations such as pain, submission, or embarrassment evoke pleasure for you. The purpose is to explore what brings you pleasure, so noting the physical and mental/emotional pleasure that arises is the whole point!
Okay, let’s finally get into the nuts and bolts! What does pleasure exploration actually look like?
Step 1. Decide what sensations you want to explore. There are examples below of ways to explore touches that may bring pleasure, though you could easily integrate sensations of sight, smell, sound, or taste with a little bit of creativity. You could also narrow in and decide to only explore sensations like pain or temperature. Once you've decided what you want to explore, come up with a list of different ways to explore those sensations.
Step 2. Pick a time and setting where you feel comfortable to do the activity.
Step 3. Once you have arrived at the time and place you decided on, add elements to your environment that evoke pleasurable sensations. Perhaps there are candles lit or music playing, or perhaps the lights are dim.
Step 4. Let yourself explore! Explore the things you wrote down on your list from Step 1. If it feels right, and with consent if doing the activity with another person/people, allow yourself to get creative in the moment; maybe you didn't think about using a hair dryer to create warmth when you made your original list, but the idea popped into your head during the activity. Try it out!
Tip: It may help to rank the sensations on a 1-10 scale as you're experiencing them, where 10 is “I loved how that felt”, and 1 is “I hate how that felt”, so you can more easily remember later what things you liked best.
Step 5. Reflect. What did you enjoy? What did you note as pleasurable? What did you note as not pleasurable? Did anything surprise you? Did you think about other things you may want to try?
Step 6. Repeat as many times as you'd like! Change up what/how you're exploring. Change up environmental factors to see if that affects your pleasure.
List of Sensations to Explore
Here are some examples to get you started and get you thinking about how you can create different sensations in your pleasure exploration. This list focuses on general touch sensations and is in no way all-encompassing of the infinite types of sensations you can explore to find what brings you pleasure.
Note: These suggestions are given assuming that there is no access to sex toys that are designed to create these sensations, and are simply a means to explore.
Body Parts. Explore the below sensations on different body parts. You may explore how things feel on your back, chest, arms, legs, buttocks, neck, ears, feet, hands, face, or genitals.
Texture. Explore things that create different textures (soft, scratchy, pokey, silky) on your skin. Wrap yourself in something fuzzy or silky. Use a fork or paperclip to poke different body parts. Run a feather, a soft-bristled brush, a silk belt, and/or a scratchy rope over different body parts.
Pain. Explore things that evoke a painful sensation. Squeeze different parts of your body. Create a sharp or stingy pain by smacking different parts of your body with a paint stick. Create a dull or thuddy pain by thumping different parts of your body with the spine of a book. Have a partner pinch you, or pinch yourself on different areas of your body. Put a band-aid on, and rip it off slowly and/or quickly.
Tip: If you decide to explore pain, start with the lightest possible pressure or force, and if it is pleasurable for you, increase the pressure or force slowly, and only with your consent if exploring with a partner. It is always important to consider safety when playing with pain sensations.
Temperature. Explore how different temperatures make you feel. You can use an ice cube, heating pad, and/or a massage candle to play with hot and cold.
Pressure. Explore different pressure sensations (light, firm, tickly, restrained). Barely graze fingertips over different areas of your body. Explore focalized pressure by using a hand or a finger to push into different body parts. Use a feather or fingers to be tickled. Wrap rope or a soft belt around your wrists or ankles to explore the feeling of being restrained.
As a note, if you are experiencing shame at finding pleasure in certain sensations, know that you are not alone. It can be helpful to reach out to a therapist if you find these shameful feelings inhibiting you to fully experience pleasure in all its forms. You can also read this article to learn more about sexual shame.
Final Thoughts
As you read over the list of suggestions, you may have noticed different feelings arise. You may have felt your cheeks blush, laughed out loud at an idea you found ridiculous, or sensed a spark of excitement. Take special notice of suggestions you felt open to or curious about. You are a complex human being, and you might find pleasure in sensations you never would have imagined. Now go play, explore, and find out what you like!
If you’re feeling curious about exploring what brings you pleasure but are unsure where to start, therapy can offer a safe and supportive environment to begin this journey. As a therapist, I can help you navigate feelings of shame, discomfort, or uncertainty, guiding you toward a deeper understanding of your desires. Reach out today for a free consultation. You can contact me via this contact form or at 608-291-6336.
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